Bitches, Belts and Butt Stuff: My Experience With Getting Kinky

Kinky sex can be a very intimidating thing for people, and rightly so. The concept of introducing whips, belts, biting, scratching and violent fantasies into your sex life is daunting. There are a number of different things you have to consider before embarking on a more kinky sex life, and I wanted to cover a few of these in this article.

Personally, I enjoy the incorporation of violence and violation into my sex life. I have had sexual fantasies about sexual abuse and violation from my adolescence. I always felt like this made me strange or sick in the head. It hasn’t been until very recently – with the help of an open-minded sexual partner – that I have become able to explore these fantasies and bring them into the bedroom. It is very exposing for me to talk about these fantasies but I wanted to write about them as there are many other people who have previously found themselves in the same situation: wanting the kink and not knowing how the fuck to approach it!

I’m going to structure this post a little differently than normal and, instead of having questions, I just wanted to talk openly about how I have ventured into the kinkier side of sex and offer some food for thought to those wanting to do the same.

Since I was very young, my sexual fantasies have never been your classic ‘I met a boy and then we kissed and then we had really nice sex and he told me he loved me’ etc. No, my sexual fantasies have always swayed toward the darker side of things and I spent years trying to repress them. From adolescence I would have fantasies of abuse, violation, abduction etc. I would also often have Stockholm Syndrome-style abuse fantasies, where a singular person or group would kidnap me but I would develop a loving feeling towards them, despite them being my abuser.

However, I spent years suppressing these fantasies and having very ‘normal’ kinds of sex with my partners over the years. It wasn’t until I broke up with my last long term boyfriend, did I feel that the fantasies were overcoming me a little and that I was now old enough to feel fully comfortable embracing my kinkier side.

However, I had never tried any of this in practice and the only times people had tried to get kinky with me previously, I had been in the midst of trying to repress my dark sexual fantasies, so I wasn’t able to enjoy it at all.

Therefore, I never thought of myself as being someone who would enjoy pain during sex. It wasn’t until I started sleeping with James (see Going Poly: Why I Have Multiple Romantic Partners. and Threesome and chill?) that I started to become more open to the idea. James is a dominant and I knew from the first time we slept together that he was holding back with me. I knew that he liked inflicting pain, spanking, whipping, biting, etc. and I wanted to explore this with him as I am always open to catering for my sexual partners kinks. However, I was worried immediately about how far I could go with it and if it would damage our sex life if we were just into two totally different kinds of sex.

However, I quickly realised that sleeping with James would enable me to explore the fantasies of violation and domination that had been plaguing my mind since I was old enough to get that tingling feeling. I decided I would bite the bullet and agree to try out some more kinky stuff with him. Within a week my arse and back were permanently covered in bruises, welts and scars and I was starting to really enjoying being a submissive in bed. I now even get a little disappointed if I don’t have an array of purple marks over me after we fuck.

So, how did I get into this? Well, the first couple of times we got kinky I was a little drunk and let my inhibitions go a little bit. We, of course, had spoken about it sober and James knew that I was willing to try and that he wasn’t taking advantage of me being drunk. However, having the benefit of your senses being numbed a little by alcohol is definitely a plus.

Another thing that really helped me ease into kinky sex was talking to James about it a lot before and agreeing that we would start out very small and build our way up to it. I remember lying on the bed, him standing over me with belt in hand and me saying ‘start out light, like so light that it’s ridiculous’. We both laughed, but honestly, starting out excessively lightly with biting, spanking, scratching or whipping is a great way to gage how much you or your partner can handle.

In terms of coping with the pain, my mechanism is less about making the pain go away and more about learning to like the pain. Some people really just aren’t into feeling pain during sex and that is fine, you don’t have to have this kind of sex. But, for those of you that do, but are a little scared of feeling pain, I have a tip for you.

Remember why you’re doing it! You’re doing this because you want to feel bad and punished! Say in your mind why they’re doing it, say why you’ve been a bad girl/boy, tell yourself you deserve it. A fun game me and James play is, when we’re out in public before going home together, he’ll keep a tally of all the times I’ve earned a spanking e.g. if I make fun of him or if I say something rude (this is obviously all a power play for sexual purposes, not emotional abuse!) and then at the end of the night he’ll tell me how many I’ve earned and count them down. I find it incredibly hot and it also provides a fun structure to our sex play.

Allowing the kink to transcend slightly into everyday life outside of the bedroom is fun also. Feeling your boyfriend slyly put his hand up your skirt under a table at dinner and whisper ‘you’re getting punished tonight’ is so incredibly sexy. Obviously, this is something you need to be a little bit sneaky with, but that’s part of the fun!

Positions are another very important for me. For example, I love being bent over James’ lap when he’s whipping or spanking me as it really works with my love of power plays. But, personally I wouldn’t be a huge fan of being standing up when I’m getting spanked or whipped. Of course, when it comes to actual penetrative sex there are certain positions that enable kink a little more e.g. being fucked from behind enables for more spanking/choking than missionary.

Also, kinky sex, however brutal, is a very intimate experience. I personally have found it more intimate than any archetypical ‘loving’ sex I have had with people. So, during sex like this, I really like to use a lot of eye contact. This can be a little daunting but is a very good way to make the sex intense in multiple ways. I’ve also found eye contact to be a good way of telling if the person you’re having sex with is really the person you want to be fucking. I often find my eyes wander or close when I’m with someone I’m only slightly attracted to, but I hold their gaze if I am really enjoying fucking them.

Now, something fairly obvious to some but nevertheless significant I wanted to cover is safe words! Yes okay, they may seem like a strange foreign concept that would be odd and awkward to incorporate into sex. But, they are so important when it comes to safely exploring kinky sex with a partner. As somebody who gets off massively on role playing violation and abuse fantasies, words like ‘no’ and ‘stop’ are normally part of the role play so choosing a safe word that has no relation to anything you’re doing in bed is essential. However, it’s a different story when you’re being choked and can’t speak, so me and my partner employ a ‘double tap’ method for if I need him to loosen his grip a bit. I find this pretty hilarious as it’s the same technique used by MMA fighters, except they’re not being choked from behind by a skinny hipster.

Another important thing, as always, is communication. I recently tried anal sex for the first time and of course I was absolutely terrified. It was like losing my virginity all over again. The only thing that made me comfortable with it was how much James talked me through it and made me feel totally fine with going back on my decision (not that I did!) With something that intense and potentially very painful, it’s so vital to talk to each other throughout, even if it’s just a courteous ‘is that okay?’ or ‘no, too hard’. We’re all adults and you should never feel any pressure to perform like a porn star and deny that anything ever hurts. I mean for god sake, I had a nine inch cock in my arse, if that didn’t hurt or at least feel weird I think there would be something a little wrong with me!

Which brings me to a quick few notes on getting it in your arse:

  1. Relax god dammit, make a huge effort to relax your muscles
  2. Lie on your front with a pillow under your hips, I wouldn’t recommend doggy style straight away because the position makes you clench up
  3. DO NOT have anal sex if you don’t have any lubricant, this is a very silly idea
  4. Get your sexual partner to finger you anally with lube first and also put it around the entrance as well as on their penis (or strap on if applicable)
  5. Go very slowly and make sure you breathe

Employing all of these techniques, I actually found anal sex really enjoyable and will definitely be giving it a regular appearance in the bedroom.

There is a lot of ways to enjoy kinky sex, so don’t feel like you have to be into all of them or feel as though you’re boring for not enjoying certain styles. The most vital aspect of kinky sex is to have a partner you trust and deeply enjoy sex with. Make sure that they know your boundaries and that you are comfortable with telling them when to draw the line. So, get your belts out, get your whipping on and get feeling like a bad girl. You’ve earned it!

 

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Knowing What The Fuck You Want: How to Be Confident In Your Sex Life

I haven’t always been confident in my sexual prowess, nor have I always been confident in knowing what I want. This is something I – with help and encouragement from friends – have trained myself to be over the course of a few years and many different sexual partners. I think that often, as women, we are constantly flooded with images, music and television depicting incredibly sexually confident women, without any real offer of direction in how to become said woman.

For example, most women my age would have spent their teen years listening to an artist like Rihanna. I absolutely love Rihanna; she’s sexy, confident and an advocate for women being confident and unashamed of their sexuality. Growing up hearing songs about S&M and lyrics shamelessly commenting on male genitalia puts a certain idea in teen and young women’s minds that we should be super sexually confident beings at all times.

We see characters like Samantha from Sex and the City (one of my personal idols) making men’s heads turn wherever she goes and confidently discussing exactly what she wants with the girls over brunch every time she has a new sex interest. She’s hot as fuck, knows it and owns it.

I mean, shit, we even hear good girl Taylor Swift saying ‘I can make the bad guys good for a weekend’ (this is a weekend of wild fucking right? Or is that just my personal interpretation?)

But do they tell us how the hell to do this? No.

This is what I’m going to try and do now.

I’m not going to sit here and pretend this is going to be a super sweet lesson about how to love yourself or how to show all the boys who did you wrong that you’re better than them. This is not an article about how to discover things about yourself that you didn’t appreciate before. This is an article about how to take what you’ve got, own it and use this to your advantage. This is an article about how to know what you want in bed and how to fucking get it.

Little disclaimer: I’m bisexual of course but this article is geared towards women and their sex with men. I approach men and women, and my relationships with them, differently. If the shoe fits for you, then please wear it and take the advice from this article. But, if not, I will be elaborating on women-women relationships in later articles.

So, onto today’s questions. First of all, what can you do to own the fact you love sex and exercise your right to fuck shamelessly? Then, how can you start having more sex i.e. being confident in meeting men, getting phone numbers, one night stands, etc. And finally, how can you enjoy casual sex more and get what you want out of it?

Feeling Sexy as Fuck

Confidence is a very difficult thing to get down. I’m not going to sit here and pretend that this article will work for every single person who reads it, people are all different and we all have different things that we do to feel confident. But, this is the first point I want to make. The best thing I did was embracing what made me feel confident, not what made my friends feel confident, not what a sexual partner said they thought would make me confident. No, I embraced what felt good for me. Similarly, to what I mentioned earlier, we are often having opinions forced on us from a young age about what will make you feel confident and what will attract other people to you. ‘Feel confident without too much make-up’, ‘feel great in this killer outfit’, ‘feel beautiful and natural’. No, fuck off.

I have found what makes me feel confident when I go out and since then I have felt ten times more happy talking to men, getting their numbers, sleeping with them etc. I like wearing hair extensions, I like wearing caps, I like not dressing too overtly femininely, having my hair off my face, hoop earrings and wearing gold eyeshadow. I asked around my friends and they came up with a number of different things that make them feel good, such as, fake tan, having their hair done nicely, being a little drunk, etc. These aren’t what personally would make me feel confident but the point is it’s for them, not me.

I know it sounds ridiculous listing these things, but it is so important to own what makes you feel good about yourself before you go out into the world and try to start fucking. You might feel good in a sack dress, or you might feel good in booty shorts and a crop top. Wear the same outfit every damn time you go out if it makes you feel awesome. Nobody gives a shit and if they do, just laugh them down, you’re the one that’s going to be getting more sex than them after all.

I can’t stress enough how important it is to find your confidence uniform (coining that phrase), and working it when you go out. You’re the only person you have at the end of it all, and if you’re feeling good and getting the sex you want then who cares about anything else.

Owning Your Failings and Your Winnings

Moving on, of course it is not all about appearance, far from it actually. As I have mentioned before, I’m a firm believer in self-assurance being the most attractive quality in someone, as well as making you feel awesome.

When a friend questioned me the other day how I stay so confident and positive about myself, I answered by saying ‘I don’t’. The truth is, although I might walk out of the house acting like I’m Beyonce every day, this isn’t always the case. It’s okay to not feel amazing about yourself all the time, we’re all human. But, what I have often found works for me is that, even if I’m not feeling amazing, I just fake it until I do.

So, if I’m going out and ready to meet some guys but I’m not just naturally feeling fantastic that day, I often fake brimming full of confidence instead. This is often in the form of sarcasm, arrogance and being a little bit rude to my potential suitors. It normally works for me but, yet again, you might not feel confident going about things that way. My friends told me that they, conversely, tend to go a little giggly and shy if they’re talking to a guy they want to sleep with. This isn’t normally the route I would go, but that’s the point; we all have different ways that we like to go about meeting boys.

You have to remember, life is essentially a game where we all pretend to be okay all the time, when realistically, none of us are. I think one of the best things I do to feel confident is that when even things are not going perfectly for me, I will just go along with it confidently. For example, if a guy doesn’t text you back when they said they would, make a joke out of it and laugh at yourself. If you fail a class or get sacked from a job, again, make a joke out of being a failure. It’s less about faking it to convince others that you’re okay and more about faking it to convince yourself. Be confident in your winnings and be confident in your failings. Just, without overusing the phrase, own it all.

Feeling Confident Between The Sheets… Or Anywhere Else You’re Fucking…

So, let’s apply this confidence to sex specifically. Another thing I found growing up, was I was constantly being told what I should and shouldn’t enjoy during sex. I know this sounds like a tired out idea, but the more I think about it, the more I think we really are being conditioned and told what we enjoy in bed. It’s not even in a necessarily negative way, but when you see headlines like ‘spice up your sex life’, it’s suggesting that you should want to do different things in bed constantly. I mean, fuck, some people might enjoy missionary under the covers, some might enjoy getting power blasted in broad daylight over a park bench. It’s all about finding what you like. Another fabulous thing I did for myself was sitting and taking time to work out what I like and what turns me on. This is important and something often forgotten about when you’re a young woman.

I’m a bit of a bad example when it comes to this as I am pretty experimental and a ‘freak in the sheets’ kind of girl. I’m a switch, I love power plays, dirty talk, public sex, pain and am generally up for almost anything. But, this doesn’t mean I don’t know specifically what I like and don’t like in bed, especially when it comes to things like foreplay and positions. For example, becoming confident on top and knowing how to make myself orgasm up there was a very positive experience I had with an ex boyfriend. So, on top becomes a bit of a default position for me as I enjoy being in charge and know that it’s a sure fire way for me to orgasm. However, my best friend’s favourite orgasm-inducing position is doggy style, and another friend of mine can only orgasm when the guy is on top.

This takes practice and a few different sexual partners, but the point I’m trying to make is that, to be confident sexually, you have to be confident in what you want. This can even mean just being mindful of what porn you find yourself watching (if you do watch it), or what scenarios you fantasise about when you’re masturbating. These aren’t just silly thing that you think about when you’re alone, these are sexual preferences that your mind is inventing of it’s own accord. You should embrace these and remember them when you’re experimenting with a new partner. Don’t be afraid if they maybe seem a little strange, if you stay confident and open-minded about your own sexuality, your sexual partner won’t question it and if they do, then maybe they’re not the person for you.

So, You’re Gonna Fuck Him, Now What?

So, you’ve got your confidence uniform on, you’ve been thinking extensively about what you like in bed and have masturbated your little socks off. You’ve met a cute guy and are heading home with him. What are you doing next?

First of all, if I’m taking a guy home, it’s because I want to fuck them. No questions asked. I’m not taking him home to cuddle, I’m not taking him home for oral only, I’m not taking him home to sexually frustrate both of us. We’re going home for sex, that’s it.

The reason I’m clarifying this is not to say, ‘if you take a guy home and don’t sleep with him you’re being a tease!’ No no. The reason I’m stating this is because this is my first point of call for feeling confident about taking a guy home. If you have it in your head that you’re going home for sex, you know what’s about to go down, you’re in control of then situation and you can plan a little bit. It also makes you aware very quickly of what you want and whether or not you really want to sleep with the guy.

Another little disclaimer: DO NOT fuck the guy if you don’t want to. At any point if you change your mind, withdraw from the situation immediately (see my previous blog post). This isn’t me trying to say that you have to sleep with a guy if you go home with them. It’s your body and your choice!

Anyway, that aside, you’re home with this guy. You’re kissing, grabbing, rolling about like idiots, etc. What I would normally do is make sure I’m talking to the guy a bit during the sex, not necessarily dirty talking but just having a semi-dirty dialogue going. For example, my go to is ‘so what do you like?’ This is a nice and easy opener because it’s a fairly subdued introduction to dirty talk and also gives you the opportunity to tell them what you like as well. If the guy introduces you to something new and you want to try it, go for it, but if you’re not really feeling it, just suggest something else that you like but that you think you can both enjoy.

If he wants to do something you like, you absolutely have to try your best to let go of any inhibitions and just go with it. If you half ass something you’ve been wanting to do for ages, you’re just going to feel disappointed and the situation will be awkward. Remember, this guy is home with you, clearly really wants to sleep with you, and you should fucking rock that.

And one of the most important things I cannot stress enough:

YOU. LOOK. FUCKING. SEXY. NAKED.

Think in your history of getting naked in front of people in a sexual context, has the other person ever gone ‘actually nah I’m okay I think’ and left? If they have they’re a cunt, but I’m guessing most people reading this will laugh at that idea. Let go of your worries about your body, the guy wants you, just own it.

Right so that’s it from me today. Remember friends, when it comes to meeting people and sex, remember the four golden rules:

  1. Find your confidence uniform
  2. Own your failings along with your winnings
  3. Get in touch with what turns you on, not anyone else!
  4. Carry yourself with the confidence of a majestic sex-hungry gazelle, you are a sexy goddess and the more you think it, the more you’ll believe it

So, go forth, fuck, and have a good time.

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