Knowing What The Fuck You Want: How to Be Confident In Your Sex Life

I haven’t always been confident in my sexual prowess, nor have I always been confident in knowing what I want. This is something I – with help and encouragement from friends – have trained myself to be over the course of a few years and many different sexual partners. I think that often, as women, we are constantly flooded with images, music and television depicting incredibly sexually confident women, without any real offer of direction in how to become said woman.

For example, most women my age would have spent their teen years listening to an artist like Rihanna. I absolutely love Rihanna; she’s sexy, confident and an advocate for women being confident and unashamed of their sexuality. Growing up hearing songs about S&M and lyrics shamelessly commenting on male genitalia puts a certain idea in teen and young women’s minds that we should be super sexually confident beings at all times.

We see characters like Samantha from Sex and the City (one of my personal idols) making men’s heads turn wherever she goes and confidently discussing exactly what she wants with the girls over brunch every time she has a new sex interest. She’s hot as fuck, knows it and owns it.

I mean, shit, we even hear good girl Taylor Swift saying ‘I can make the bad guys good for a weekend’ (this is a weekend of wild fucking right? Or is that just my personal interpretation?)

But do they tell us how the hell to do this? No.

This is what I’m going to try and do now.

I’m not going to sit here and pretend this is going to be a super sweet lesson about how to love yourself or how to show all the boys who did you wrong that you’re better than them. This is not an article about how to discover things about yourself that you didn’t appreciate before. This is an article about how to take what you’ve got, own it and use this to your advantage. This is an article about how to know what you want in bed and how to fucking get it.

Little disclaimer: I’m bisexual of course but this article is geared towards women and their sex with men. I approach men and women, and my relationships with them, differently. If the shoe fits for you, then please wear it and take the advice from this article. But, if not, I will be elaborating on women-women relationships in later articles.

So, onto today’s questions. First of all, what can you do to own the fact you love sex and exercise your right to fuck shamelessly? Then, how can you start having more sex i.e. being confident in meeting men, getting phone numbers, one night stands, etc. And finally, how can you enjoy casual sex more and get what you want out of it?

Feeling Sexy as Fuck

Confidence is a very difficult thing to get down. I’m not going to sit here and pretend that this article will work for every single person who reads it, people are all different and we all have different things that we do to feel confident. But, this is the first point I want to make. The best thing I did was embracing what made me feel confident, not what made my friends feel confident, not what a sexual partner said they thought would make me confident. No, I embraced what felt good for me. Similarly, to what I mentioned earlier, we are often having opinions forced on us from a young age about what will make you feel confident and what will attract other people to you. ‘Feel confident without too much make-up’, ‘feel great in this killer outfit’, ‘feel beautiful and natural’. No, fuck off.

I have found what makes me feel confident when I go out and since then I have felt ten times more happy talking to men, getting their numbers, sleeping with them etc. I like wearing hair extensions, I like wearing caps, I like not dressing too overtly femininely, having my hair off my face, hoop earrings and wearing gold eyeshadow. I asked around my friends and they came up with a number of different things that make them feel good, such as, fake tan, having their hair done nicely, being a little drunk, etc. These aren’t what personally would make me feel confident but the point is it’s for them, not me.

I know it sounds ridiculous listing these things, but it is so important to own what makes you feel good about yourself before you go out into the world and try to start fucking. You might feel good in a sack dress, or you might feel good in booty shorts and a crop top. Wear the same outfit every damn time you go out if it makes you feel awesome. Nobody gives a shit and if they do, just laugh them down, you’re the one that’s going to be getting more sex than them after all.

I can’t stress enough how important it is to find your confidence uniform (coining that phrase), and working it when you go out. You’re the only person you have at the end of it all, and if you’re feeling good and getting the sex you want then who cares about anything else.

Owning Your Failings and Your Winnings

Moving on, of course it is not all about appearance, far from it actually. As I have mentioned before, I’m a firm believer in self-assurance being the most attractive quality in someone, as well as making you feel awesome.

When a friend questioned me the other day how I stay so confident and positive about myself, I answered by saying ‘I don’t’. The truth is, although I might walk out of the house acting like I’m Beyonce every day, this isn’t always the case. It’s okay to not feel amazing about yourself all the time, we’re all human. But, what I have often found works for me is that, even if I’m not feeling amazing, I just fake it until I do.

So, if I’m going out and ready to meet some guys but I’m not just naturally feeling fantastic that day, I often fake brimming full of confidence instead. This is often in the form of sarcasm, arrogance and being a little bit rude to my potential suitors. It normally works for me but, yet again, you might not feel confident going about things that way. My friends told me that they, conversely, tend to go a little giggly and shy if they’re talking to a guy they want to sleep with. This isn’t normally the route I would go, but that’s the point; we all have different ways that we like to go about meeting boys.

You have to remember, life is essentially a game where we all pretend to be okay all the time, when realistically, none of us are. I think one of the best things I do to feel confident is that when even things are not going perfectly for me, I will just go along with it confidently. For example, if a guy doesn’t text you back when they said they would, make a joke out of it and laugh at yourself. If you fail a class or get sacked from a job, again, make a joke out of being a failure. It’s less about faking it to convince others that you’re okay and more about faking it to convince yourself. Be confident in your winnings and be confident in your failings. Just, without overusing the phrase, own it all.

Feeling Confident Between The Sheets… Or Anywhere Else You’re Fucking…

So, let’s apply this confidence to sex specifically. Another thing I found growing up, was I was constantly being told what I should and shouldn’t enjoy during sex. I know this sounds like a tired out idea, but the more I think about it, the more I think we really are being conditioned and told what we enjoy in bed. It’s not even in a necessarily negative way, but when you see headlines like ‘spice up your sex life’, it’s suggesting that you should want to do different things in bed constantly. I mean, fuck, some people might enjoy missionary under the covers, some might enjoy getting power blasted in broad daylight over a park bench. It’s all about finding what you like. Another fabulous thing I did for myself was sitting and taking time to work out what I like and what turns me on. This is important and something often forgotten about when you’re a young woman.

I’m a bit of a bad example when it comes to this as I am pretty experimental and a ‘freak in the sheets’ kind of girl. I’m a switch, I love power plays, dirty talk, public sex, pain and am generally up for almost anything. But, this doesn’t mean I don’t know specifically what I like and don’t like in bed, especially when it comes to things like foreplay and positions. For example, becoming confident on top and knowing how to make myself orgasm up there was a very positive experience I had with an ex boyfriend. So, on top becomes a bit of a default position for me as I enjoy being in charge and know that it’s a sure fire way for me to orgasm. However, my best friend’s favourite orgasm-inducing position is doggy style, and another friend of mine can only orgasm when the guy is on top.

This takes practice and a few different sexual partners, but the point I’m trying to make is that, to be confident sexually, you have to be confident in what you want. This can even mean just being mindful of what porn you find yourself watching (if you do watch it), or what scenarios you fantasise about when you’re masturbating. These aren’t just silly thing that you think about when you’re alone, these are sexual preferences that your mind is inventing of it’s own accord. You should embrace these and remember them when you’re experimenting with a new partner. Don’t be afraid if they maybe seem a little strange, if you stay confident and open-minded about your own sexuality, your sexual partner won’t question it and if they do, then maybe they’re not the person for you.

So, You’re Gonna Fuck Him, Now What?

So, you’ve got your confidence uniform on, you’ve been thinking extensively about what you like in bed and have masturbated your little socks off. You’ve met a cute guy and are heading home with him. What are you doing next?

First of all, if I’m taking a guy home, it’s because I want to fuck them. No questions asked. I’m not taking him home to cuddle, I’m not taking him home for oral only, I’m not taking him home to sexually frustrate both of us. We’re going home for sex, that’s it.

The reason I’m clarifying this is not to say, ‘if you take a guy home and don’t sleep with him you’re being a tease!’ No no. The reason I’m stating this is because this is my first point of call for feeling confident about taking a guy home. If you have it in your head that you’re going home for sex, you know what’s about to go down, you’re in control of then situation and you can plan a little bit. It also makes you aware very quickly of what you want and whether or not you really want to sleep with the guy.

Another little disclaimer: DO NOT fuck the guy if you don’t want to. At any point if you change your mind, withdraw from the situation immediately (see my previous blog post). This isn’t me trying to say that you have to sleep with a guy if you go home with them. It’s your body and your choice!

Anyway, that aside, you’re home with this guy. You’re kissing, grabbing, rolling about like idiots, etc. What I would normally do is make sure I’m talking to the guy a bit during the sex, not necessarily dirty talking but just having a semi-dirty dialogue going. For example, my go to is ‘so what do you like?’ This is a nice and easy opener because it’s a fairly subdued introduction to dirty talk and also gives you the opportunity to tell them what you like as well. If the guy introduces you to something new and you want to try it, go for it, but if you’re not really feeling it, just suggest something else that you like but that you think you can both enjoy.

If he wants to do something you like, you absolutely have to try your best to let go of any inhibitions and just go with it. If you half ass something you’ve been wanting to do for ages, you’re just going to feel disappointed and the situation will be awkward. Remember, this guy is home with you, clearly really wants to sleep with you, and you should fucking rock that.

And one of the most important things I cannot stress enough:

YOU. LOOK. FUCKING. SEXY. NAKED.

Think in your history of getting naked in front of people in a sexual context, has the other person ever gone ‘actually nah I’m okay I think’ and left? If they have they’re a cunt, but I’m guessing most people reading this will laugh at that idea. Let go of your worries about your body, the guy wants you, just own it.

Right so that’s it from me today. Remember friends, when it comes to meeting people and sex, remember the four golden rules:

  1. Find your confidence uniform
  2. Own your failings along with your winnings
  3. Get in touch with what turns you on, not anyone else!
  4. Carry yourself with the confidence of a majestic sex-hungry gazelle, you are a sexy goddess and the more you think it, the more you’ll believe it

So, go forth, fuck, and have a good time.

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