So, I’ll set the scene: you’ve gotten a little too drunk/high, decided to go home with someone you thought was fairly cute and then regretted it very quickly. The last part can be pre or post sex, or sometimes not even related to the sex at all. The person you’re with is dramatically more into the situation than you are, and you essentially just need to get yourself out of there as quickly as possible.
I’ve had two of these situations recently, one fairly simple to resolve and one a little more tricky.
Of course, I’m not meaning to be harsh when I say I want to get away from these guys as quick as possible. It is more so because I don’t see the point in wasting time and getting a rubbish night’s sleep just for the sake of a tired out old idea that it’s more respectful to sleep next to somebody after fucking them. Especially if it’s just a one night stand.
So, let’s get to the questions that I’ll be pondering today. At what point do you accept that a one night stand isn’t working? How do you accept it when you’re on the receiving end of the ditching? Conversely, what are the tell tale signs that you should leave a one night stand? And how the hell do you get the unwanted, clingy dude out of your flat the next morning?
The first situation I found myself in was after a very heavy night of drinking. I was at a club with my friend and after the various vodka concoctions had melted away my inhibitions, I decided I really fancied fucking someone. I met a guy who, to his credit, was actually very good looking. Great face, good body but absolutely shit conversational skills. This kind of thing is fine when you’re shouting a few words at each other every few minutes over the sound of loud music. But when you get that person home, it’s a different story.
Now, we all like a good compliment now and again but one of the main problems with this guy was that he was just way too into it. Yeah, I know I’m good in bed, you really don’t have to tell me every few seconds. At first it’s nice, twenty times in five minutes is just overkill. He was okay in bed… but just okay, not to discredit him, but nothing special. I never regret sex, so it’s not that I’m angry at myself for sleeping with him, but I’m just happy I decided to do a bit of a sneak out in the early hours.
So, this comes to our first thought of the day, accepting that the one night stand isn’t working. One night stands can be fucking fantastic, the thrill of sex with a new person you barely know can make any woman feel like a bit of a goddess. But, there comes a time when it obviously just isn’t going to work. I’m a firm believer in some people just being naturally sexually compatible and often when sex isn’t working well for me with somebody, especially if it’s only a one night stand, I just chalk it up to us not being well matched in bed. The guy was into it, I wasn’t and frankly after a while I just started feeling awkward.
We went to go to sleep at about 5.30am and the dude keeps going on about how he doesn’t want to sleep and wants to fuck all night etc. Awkward as shit. So I make up some fake shit about being exhausted and wanting to sleep. Then, when I hear him snoring I sneak out of bed, put my clothes on and head for the door.
Right when I’m about to leave I hear the guy, awake, asking where I’m going. Shit.
I made up a lie about needing the toilet. The guy then questions why I have all my clothes on and my bag. Double shit.
At this stage, I knew I basically just had to turn around and tell him I really wasn’t interested in staying over and that I just wanted to sleep in my own bed. Now, the reason I tried to sneak out and didn’t just say this to the guy in the first place is simple. I read the guy’s behaviour and what he said, and knew that he’d be the kind to moan and try and make me stay. Which is fine, but there was no way I wanted to spend an extended period of time with this guy.
And that is the situation in which you perform the ditch. I haven’t done it too many times, and I don’t plan on it being a very regular occurrence every time I sleep with someone. But, in this situation: when the sex is average, you can’t have a good conversation with them and they’re way more into it than you are. This is the time when you know you need to excuse yourself. So I had a lovely, hour long walk of shame home at 6.30 in the morning. Thank god I’d decided to go out in jeans and a shirt that night.
This guy was pretty chilled about it, didn’t seem too offended and seemed to understand. The only issue was the text he sent me the next day saying ‘last night was fun 🙂 when’s round two?’. By this point, I was done with being nice and frankly couldn’t be bothered to deal with yet another awkward conversation so I didn’t reply. Hopefully no hard feelings, good luck to the dude.
Now, my second situation was a little more of a sticky one. Largely due to the fact that the guy, unbeknownst to me, was clingy and actually pretty fucking entitled. By the end of it, I just wasn’t into the situation at all.
The first problem of the situation was we met when we were both on a lot of MDMA. This was fine, but everyone in the situation needs to be aware that when you’re on drugs, everyone wants to be everyone’s best friends, everyone wants to meet up for drinks, everyone wants to go on dates, it’s just the way it goes. So, naturally me and this guy were planning on meeting each other again, that was until the drugs wore off.
Yet again, he was a very attractive guy and pretty fun to be around. We had a nice time in the club we met in and enjoyed hanging out at mine afterwards.
And there it is, rookie error number one: I took him to my flat. I love my flat, it’s cute and I have a great flatmate, I love showing this off to people. But I question myself again and again why I took a one night stand to my flat. The main problem of this is, you can’t get up and leave your own flat, and when you’ve got a stage five clinger on your hands, this can present a serious issue.
I won’t go into details of the night we spent together as there’s nothing really to write home about, fairly good sex with a fairly good looking guy. You get the picture. It was next morning that presented a serious issue.
First of all, I was absolutely exhausted and had barely slept. The entire time I was trying to sleep this guy was grabbing my tits, pushing his hands in between my legs, stroking my hair, kissing my neck and trying to get me to have sex again and again. I pretended to be asleep for this first twenty minutes of this and then tried to nudge him away a few times. This didn’t work, so eventually I just pushed him away, said ‘stop, I’m sleeping’ and then he finally fucked off and rolled over in a strop. So, by this point I’m already annoyed by this guy. Yes, okay, try to initiate sex if you want to, but if the other person isn’t interested or isn’t even conscious, that’s when you need to stop. It’s creepy and weird.
Second of all, I got up wanting to have my morning coffee and cigarette in my flat, which I have every right to do, because, you know… it’s my flat. The guy then decides to bitch at me about how he hates girls who smoke and asked me not to smoke in my room because he was there. Firstly, fuck off, secondly, fuck off again. This is my flat, you saw me smoking all night long and didn’t have a problem then so don’t try and get me to leave my own flat to have a cigarette.
Third of all, I walk downstairs to make coffee and sit with my flatmate and her guy friend chatting about the night before. I had made everyone coffee and told the guy, who by this point was refusing to leave my bed, that I had a coffee for him downstairs. This is the tell tale sign that somebody wants you to fuck off. If I wanted this bro hanging around my flat all day then I would have brought him coffee and got back into bed with him for round two. But I didn’t, so maybe it’s time to have some dignity, get up, get dressed and get ready to get on your way.
Fourth of all (if that’s even a phrase people use), at about 12, I told the guy I had an artist friend I was meeting with at 12.30 for a photoshoot. This was actually something that was genuinely happening for me that day, and I thought it might give the guy the nudge he needed to get the fuck out of my flat. Wrong. The guy was by this point moaning at me to get back into bed, having a go at me for not being affectionate and making rude comments about the fact I didn’t bring him his coffee and that is had gone cold.
Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. My. Flat.
So, my next angle was to just get in the shower and start getting ready. There’d be no going back from that right? Wrong. I was halfway through straightening my hair, having mentioned about ten times now that my friend would be arriving soon and this guy is still in his boxers in my bed. I’m not a rude person so I was trying to give this guy the benefit of the doubt but by this point, when he asked me ‘oh, are you kicking me out then?’ I just had to say ‘yes, I’ve mentioned like ten times that I’m meeting a friend very soon’.
He then got up, moaned some more about me being cold and not being affectionate towards him, which, by this point was making me seriously angry, and then finally got dressed. I forced a smile, gave him a kiss goodbye and directed him to the bus stop, after assuring him that I had him on facebook.
Now, if I had found myself in the situation, my natural reaction would be to assume that this guy or girl doesn’t want me around much longer. If a guy or girl gets up and goes to the kitchen then I hear them chatting with their flatmates for longer than a few minutes, I will get up and get dressed and let them know I’m leaving soon. If they want me to stay then they’ll mention it, if they don’t, they don’t. It’s just embarrassing to go into a one night stand thinking it’s going to be more than what it is. It’s always better to expect nothing to come out of it, and be happy if something does than to lie there thinking that you’ve found your soul mate after fucking them in a drug fuelled frenzy the night before.
The lovely young man I mentioned in the second situation decided it was appropriate to message me later in the day questioning why I’d been so ‘cold’ to him that morning after he’d treated me ‘like a queen’. You could seriously script this shit I swear. My flatmate and I pondered for most of that day what he’d done to think he’d treated me ‘like a queen’ and how on earth he treats other girls if that’s him on top form. I know for one thing, he definitely won’t be getting a round two.
So, my main rules for having a successful one night stand: be aware of the tell tale signs that it just isn’t going well and learn to accept them. Be understanding of the other person and don’t be offended if it’s just painfully obvious that they want you to leave. If you bring a one night stand back to yours and they aren’t leaving, just be honest with them, you don’t owe anyone anything just because you had sex with them once.
Enjoy your casual sex for what it is, and don’t be a fucking idiot about it. Rant over.